Love Deeply Rooted in God

Love: A word that lost its meaning in modern times

Have you ever been in love?

What is your perception of love?

We all love the feeling of being in love or having a crush. They give us butterflies in our stomach and get us excited to do things for the other person (or even just seeing them!).

However, this is not the 'love' which I would want us to talk about. I want to give a clear explanation of love according to what the Scriptures teaches, because we need to have a good understanding of it if we're going to discuss about courtship and dating.

I want to be clear that this post is not a list of rules to follow so that you may be able to get a woman to say 'yes' to you. The reason I'm sharing this is because I've seen a lot of people (both men and women) in Christian circles who stay single until their 30's even though they want to be married. And the primary audience I will be addressing here is the men because we are the ones who pursue women and initiate the process of courtship (not the other way around!).

For the ladies who are reading this, you are still welcome to read.

I'm not saying it's wrong to get married later in life (there's always God's perfect time), but I believe it's wiser to establish earlier in life if you can. At the end of the day, we still have a choice. I guess the question most men ask themselves is:

How can I say I am ready to court a woman and enter a relationship?

How can I say I am ready to pursue marriage?

I also had the same question. There were many things that held me back particularly because I am a perfectionist and a highly idealistic type of person. There were many reasons I believed I am 'not yet ready', but God made me realize that most of my reasons were wrong. Why do I say this? Because the reasons I had were based on fear.

Let me give you a background of myself so you can grasp why I had fears and wrong thinking. It is important for us to know where we are all coming from, and maybe some of you can relate with me. Actually, after reading this, I want you to take time to reflect on yourself as well. Knowing our identity is the key to overcoming our fears. And my hope is that more men will 'man up' and start pursuing the women they are eyeing for. Whatever your fears are, know that the enemy loves to feed on them. The last thing he wants is a godly relationship that mirrors Christ and His Church.

You can skip to the questions part and the last paragraph before it if you want to go straight to the points about courtship.

My Childhood - How it shaped me to who I am today

In my life, I've had a lot of crushes during my earlier years, specially in high school and college (yep! you're not alone). No wonder then that it continued until I became a young working professional. No surprises here, God designed us men to be attracted to women (even more so physically!). I was always looking to be with someone who can accept me and love me for who I am and who I will also love and accept for who she is. Perhaps I am what society calls, a 'hopeless romantic'. I never bought in to the idea that popular culture promotes, that winning a girl's heart will make me a man. I saw many boys just wanting it for the sole reason of being able to 'experience' it. I saw it as a very shallow and flawed thinking, and I don't know why so many people bought in to that idea back then. I believed it's something much deeper, that I'll know it's finally 'time' when it comes, the 'perfect partner' who was made just for me. Because of this thinking, I never asked a girl out because I also didn't have any confidence in myself. Since I wanted that 'perfect partner' for me, I also wanted myself to be perfect (almost). I mean, the same standards I want to see in my future partner are the same qualities I would want to see in myself. You can say that this added to the reason I was 'ngsb' or single since birth. And the reality is that I actually had low self-esteem during my childhood. I measured my worth based on what I see from others, what society dictates a man should be, how others treat me and what they say about me. I did not know what my purpose was, why am I even here and just allowed the situations to drive me having no direction at all.

I was bullied early in my life. The earliest bullying I remember was when I was four years old and I'm playing with other children in our neighborhood. I don't remember all the details but there was a time that they suddenly agreed to unite and say "di ka namin bati". And I guess that was just my second time to meet them. Add to it my questions (back then) in life why my mother and father are not on good terms. Now, you're probable asking if I come from a dysfunctional family and the answer is yes I do. The sad reality is that it seems to be common now (I'm using the term 'common' and not 'normal', it's different and we should never think having a dysfunctional family is normal). As I look back, I think this has caused me to feel a void (having emotional numbness and being apathetic) in my heart that continued to grow until I became a young adult.

I still think that today there are memories of deep hurt buried deep within my subconscious that caused me to develop so many unhealthy coping mechanisms. Bullying continued throughout my elementary to college (freshman) years. I always remained quiet even when others continued to 'pick' on me because I didn't want conflicts. I never stood up to those people who bullied me and I wanted nothing to do with them. I always felt as if I'm an alien to the world. I can't even communicate well to people. I grew up addicted to video games and would usually lock myself up at home and play for hours after school until sleeping time. I loved being immersed in the 'fantasy world' that video games offered, I felt good that I'm great at them. Somehow, I can be the 'ideal' person I want to be in those games. I can change 'who I am' based on the game I am playing. It gives me the feeling of 'being better' than other people whenever I beat them. However, all those were just mere 'passing and wasting time'. Do note that the bullying I experienced is not very serious (there was no violence involved, only verbal). As I grew up, I never knew how and what to feel. I felt disconnected and dissociated with everyone, even with my family. I never noticed it in myself that I suffered from this back then.

The Gospel - How it changes an ordinary person like me

In 2016, I was already a young working professional, and everything started to change. My mind was opened to my own brokenness after my personal encounter with Jesus (you can read more about it here). I started to know God more. And as I grew to know Him through His Word (the Scriptures/Bible), I started seeing everything differently.

I started to understand what 'love' really means, that God loved me enough to die and take on all of my sins (even the sins of the world) no matter how dark they are. Even now, I continue to grow in my knowledge of my own wickedness and sinfulness, brought to light by His Spirit as revealed in the Scriptures. I can relate to what Romans 3:10-12, 18, 23 says:

"as it is written: None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one." - Romans 3:10-12

"There is no fear of God before their eyes." - Romans 3:18

"for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" - Romans 3:23

I understood that reading the Bible is like looking at a mirror, I see how many commands I have violated and it also reveals the depth of sin that has tainted my heart. And even more than disobeying God so many times, it reveals how far my heart is from Him, that I am so utterly wretched and depraved far beyond what I can imagine. I was so utterly lost and apart from His non-stop pursuit of loving me, I would never have come to realize it (John 15:16).

Romans 3:23 says: "For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."

I understood the 'good news' that I am made righteous and free (John 1:12, 1 Peter 1:3). I started to have hope, peace, true lasting joy, contentment, and fulfillment. I continue to grow in my understanding of who I am in Christ. My true worth and my true identity in Him, is that I am fully known and fully loved by an Almighty God, King of kings and Lord of lords. And let me tell you, the truth is:

You will never really know who you are until you know God - His character, His will, His plans which are all revealed through His Word.

Further references:

2 Cor 5:17, Gal 2:20, 1 Peter 2:9, Jer 31:3, Rev 2:17, Rev 3:12, Rom 8:14-17, 37-39; John 11:25-26; John 10:27-28

The road to following Jesus is not an easy path but it's definitely worth it (Matthew 7:13-14). You will have more problems (you will be aware of the problems that you did not previously know was there). This is because God opened your spiritual eyes (John 8:31-38). You will be aware of Satan's works and how he has been successful at keeping you in darkness before. You are now enlisted as a soldier in a constant spiritual battle with the forces of evil (Ephesians 6:12).

A good analogy of a life after accepting Christ would be a house which you thought you wanted some renovation. However, you will soon find out that God needs to demolish everything including your foundations. You will be building and relearning everything again from scratch because He will now be the very foundation of your life.

After almost three years of coming to know Christ, I still am reluctant to pursue a woman. I want to be deeply rooted in the Word, that my relationship with God is of first and foremost importance. I fear that once I enter a relationship, my relationship with Him would suffer or be set aside.

Fast forward to today, God made me learn so many things. I came to understand what held me back on pursuing a woman. And this is what I will share with you in the next section. Today, God has blessed me with such an amazing, wonderful, lovely, virtuous and godly woman. She is a perfect gift sent from above (James 1:17) and through her, the more I have indeed tasted and seen that the Lord is good (Psalm 34:8). I never thought before that God would still bless me with a woman who shares the same vision, mission, values and perspective with me. Yes, we're still different, but I see how we complement each other in so many ways. I want to share with you what God taught me so far in this season. I'm no expert in this area and do not claim to be, but I want to be able to help the men face their fears. Note that some points I will be explaining below will be for married people because our aim and direction is marriage. How you apply these points will vary based on how the Holy Spirit would lead you, remember to seek His guidance all the time.

1 Corinthians 10:23 says, "All things are lawful, but not all things are helpful. All things are lawful, but not all things build up. Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor."

Questions from fear - How it held me back on deciding to court her

Am I capable to lead a woman?

She is more mature than me (even spiritually). I can see how she impacts so many lives and many different women look up to her. I saw how she models what biblical womanhood is. She can take any leadership role very well but is humble enough to acknowledge that it is a man's role to lead and not hers.

Am I financially able? Will I be able to provide for her needs?

She is financially well off compared to me. Though I am doing my best to be a good steward of money, I'm not yet on that level of having a passive income that can sustain us in case she says yes. My income is also not enough to provide for a family yet.

Will she accept me for who I am?

I still have heart issues with myself that I have to deal with. I am also afraid to be rejected. My background is not pretty, I have baggages that I carry from childhood. Plus, I really want the first woman who I will pursue to be my last (that she will be the one I will be marrying). My journey as a Christian is far shorter compared to hers.

If you can see, I have been comparing myself to her based on who I see myself and not based on how God sees me. I realized how I still do not understand my true identity in Christ even though I constantly read about it in the Scriptures. I forgot that I am also made in the image of God, that He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world (1 John 4:4). I overlooked that we're both sinners saved by grace. I forgot that God loves me too and that He longs to bless me with a loving wife not because I deserve it but because He is a faithful God. (Jer 31:3, Psalm 139:13-16, Romans 8:14-17, John 1:12-13)

Scripture is sufficient - How it can answer all your questions including courtship

You see, my questions above were answered by God after constantly seeking His Word and also seeking godly counsel from pastors and other married men (Proverbs 11:14). After long months of praying for her, God revealed my insecurities and my thoughts which are not in accordance with His will. My prayer shifted from "Lord, how can I get a 'yes' from her?" to, "Lord, help me to embrace being a man for her who would model your love for the Church."

Going back to the questions I had, and some additional questions to help you:

Am I capable to lead a woman?

Do you know your true identity? Where are you getting your value and worth?

• As Christians who have received a new identity in Christ, we are still in a spiritual battle and our past (childhood experience) still has an effect to who we think we are today (Ephesians 6:12). The key is to embracing who you really are in Christ.

• We must grow in the knowledge of the Gospel, it must be preached to ourselves everyday. The magnitude of its depth cannot be fully understood in our lifetime here on earth.

The gospel is this: "We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope.”

- Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God

• As fallen people (redeemed but still in the flesh), the tendency of our hearts is to always find idols and to forget God. If you enter a relationship without being secured in the love of God and without having built proper spiritual disciplines then you are treading on dangerous ground. Scripture says to guard our hearts because it is deceiving and easily swayed by our emotions and other 'gods' or 'idols' (Proverbs 4:23, Jeremiah 17:9-10).

As the man, it is important to be emotionally stable because women respond and absorb our emotions more. I mean to say they are the weaker vessel and must be cherished and protected (1 Peter 3:7). Also, be aware that once you enter a relationship, there will be a tendency for you to please your partner more because you are committing yourself to her (1 Corinthians 7:32-34). Are you ready for the commitment that is necessary in a godly relationship?

Having maturity is very crucial as you enter a relationship (emotional, spiritual, and mental). Learn to lead yourself first before attempting to lead another person (a woman). Some questions to ask yourself would be:

• Do I have goals in life? Do I know my purpose in life?

• Do I have a sense of direction that is in accordance to the will of God?

• Do I acknowledge God in all aspects of my life?

Practice serving women in simple gestures that a gentleman would do. You can seek godly men to be your mentors in this area and there are numerous resources online for this topic. Discern what is proper and what is right for serving our sisters in Christ. In 1 Timothy 5:2, Paul says that we should treat "older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity".

Note: To the women receiving these gestures, please do not assume right away that a guy has special interest in you unless he says directly that he has intentions for you. Always guard your heart and be grateful that there are still good men doing these things.

Have you experienced the love and forgiveness of God?

• This will set your direction and model in loving a woman. The Bible says to "keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4:8). You should understand the depth of God's grace given to us, how He lavished his love on us (1 John 3:1). Are you willing to die to yourself? What I mean is, are you willing to give up things that you do for yourself so that you could serve her instead? (Ephesians 5:25)

• The deeper you know a woman, the more you will know her including her imperfections. I mean to say that she is also a sinner saved by grace (at the same time a saint walking in grace) and you should be able to extend the same forgiveness and unconditional love that God has for you (Ephesians 4:1-7).

• No relationship is smooth sailing, it will always have arguments and fights (Song of Solomon 2:15). When I talk about conflicts, it should be healthy ones. A healthy conflict should lead you to further sanctification, more dependence and greater love for the Lord leading you both to grow in love with each other. The important thing is you always choose and decide to reconcile with each other, extending grace to one another. Who she becomes as a result of your leadership will show. Aim to see that she is growing in holiness and also being transformed to the image of Christ as you sanctify her with the Word. (Ephesians 5:26)

Do you know what it means to have a personal relationship with Him?

• As I've stated in the previous point, you are to model the love of God to the woman you are pursuing (note that God actually calls us to love everyone including our enemies). It is crucial that you are abiding in Christ, for apart from Him you are nothing. (John 15:1-17)

• Your relationship with the woman you are pursuing will be a reflection of your relationship with God. When you get hurt by her actions and words, will you continue to pursue her? If the journey gets tough, will you choose to stay the course or will you give up? Jesus Himself was rejected by His own people (by us, yes that includes you!) yet He still chose to die out of His love for them (us), taking on the full wrath of God that we might become children of God. (Isaiah 53)

• Take a moment to reflect on how Jesus suffered knowing what He will go through to fulfill the will of the Father (Matthew 26:36-46). As he suffered and willingly submitted to the Father's will because of His love for us, He is our model to follow (Hebrews 12:1-3).

• The more you give in a relationship, there's a tendency for your heart to feel entitlement. Beware of this and remember that God Himself pursued, loved and provided for us even though we do not have anything to offer Him but our sinfulness. Jesus Himself said, "it is more blessed to give than to receive" (Acts 20:35). Always give out of the abundance of God's love in you.

Are you being discipled and are you discipling others?

• What is a disciple? A disciple is a follower. As Christians, we are called to follow Jesus, His life, His example of how He lived in this world and His teachings. During the time before Jesus came, many Jews did not understand the Scriptures, they thought that following the laws written in it was the way to save themselves and earn their way into eternity. When Jesus came, He preached on matters of the heart. He came to fulfill the law because we are all sinners (except Him) (Matthew 5:17-20). We cannot save ourselves by our good works (going to church, praying, penance, giving, following the commandments, doing outreaches, charity works, etc). (Ephesians 2:8-10)

Isaiah 64:6 says, "All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away."

• We are saved only by the blood of Jesus, and when we accept Him as Lord and Savior, we become His followers and He renews our hearts through the work of His Holy Spirit who now indwells us. He removes our sinful desires and replaces it with the desire to love Him (Ezekiel 11:19, 36:26). He transforms our hearts to love like Him, the same love (perfect love) that is present between the triune God (Father, Son and Holy Spirit). After we experience His extravagant love and grace, we are called to help others follow Him.

• This is crucial because you will help the woman you are pursuing in her journey of discipleship. The same goes to your future children. Before you pursue a woman, it would be better if you are already discipling other men (helping them follow Jesus).

• Know the cost of following Jesus. It can mean being rejected by the society, by your family or friends or both. It can mean letting go of some relationships that does not honor God. Following Jesus means you will no longer do things you enjoy before that is contrary to His Word and His will (Luke 14:25-33). Fear not for He will help you in this area.

• Based on all the points I said above, you will apply these principles in your relationship. Knowing the love that God has for us, even if we get broken, rejected, be in pain or suffer in our pursuit of a woman we can still glorify Him whatever happens. Knowing that God suffered for us (we constantly reject Him while His love for us never changes), we are to be like Him in our love for the woman we are pursuing. (Romans 8:16-18)

• You will come to see that your brokenness and the brokenness of the woman you are pursuing will lead you to depend more on God. You cannot rely on yourself and you also cannot find true joy from one another. True joy comes from knowing Christ and both of you sharing this joy that comes from Him to each other.

Am I financially able? Will I be able to provide for her needs?

• Most men think that women are looking for men who are financially stable. This is not true at all, instead, women are looking for financially responsible men. As long as you are being a good steward of your money and resources, that will be good. You can find many resources about financial literacy online. It would also be helpful to find a mentor who is knowledgeable in this area.

• God is the one who blesses us with our gifts and talents to bring us wealth. It is our responsibility to cultivate and discover those. (Deuteronomy 8:18)

• Acknowledge that the ultimate source of provision is the Lord, and He cares so much about you that He will always provide all your needs. (Philippians 4:19)

Will she accept me for who I am?

• I see many men who are afraid and fear being rejected. The good news is that it's perfectly normal to have fears. I also had it before and I realized it's just what's on the the surface. What's important is not to let that fear take over you but have it submitted before God. You have to dig deeper inside why you're having those fears. It goes back to knowing your identity in Christ and your depth of understanding of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

• Know that if the woman you're eyeing to pursue is a Christian rooted in the Word, a godly woman, she will consider you (that is if you're a godly man yourself). But what is a godly man? Being a godly man is simple, you only need to be submitted to the Lordship of Christ. Simple but definitely not easy.

• Seek for a woman who displays biblical womanhood, a woman who knows her identity in Christ. It is better if she is being discipled and also discipling other women because you should only be entering courtship with marriage in mind. She will become a mother of your kids in the future and will be your partner in discipling them. Joshua 24:15 says, "...as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."

• Do not look for compatibility because differences will arise, rather look for complementarity (do you complement each other?). Also, please do not settle for someone who is not a believer, you are not Jesus to save her and change her! (2 Corinthians 6:14-18)

• An example of a woman who displays biblical womanhood is portrayed in Proverbs 31, 1 Peter 3:1-6

• A woman who encourages and supports men to step up to their God-given roles is a godly woman.

• Does she know how to submit?

• Can you see if she recognizes authority?

• Does she recognize family unit?

• Does she live beyond physical beauty?

• Are her words gracious, seasoned with salt? (Colossians 4:6)

• Does her character reflect Christ, the fruit of the Holy Spirit? (Galatians 5:22-23)

• Do not be intimidated that she has walls to keep her guarded. Of course she is on guard, that's how women protect themselves from men who do not 'man up' to God's standards.

Do you see yourself a man (see my post about manhood here) as defined in the Bible? Don’t fret if you fall short on some things! Remember that there’s grace and as long as you are walking in truth and in the light, that Jesus is Lord in your heart, you will continue to grow in purity and holiness, in His image and likeness (Philippians 1:6).

I pray this would encourage all the men reading this to man up. So men, be keen on what Matthew 7:7-11 teaches, notice the varying degree of action from asking, to seeking and to knocking. The same goes with pursuing a woman. Ask God in prayer, seek His Word and godly counsel, knock to God (supplement it with action!). Most men keep on praying, but lack the action to supplement their prayer. Continue to ask God for wisdom in building relationship with the woman you want to pursue, have faith in God and take risk, take the leap of faith! (Proverbs 11:14, Hebrews 11:1, James 1:5-8)

Yes, it will be painful to be rejected but it's always worth trying rather than not doing anything. Aren't you grateful that God has given us men the privilege to choose who we would pursue? Remember, God calls us men to be active and not passive, we are called to initiate! And to the women reading this, please remember that you are worth pursuing!

To share my personal experience, I learned that my selfishness is really magnified after I entered a relationship. I get to learn so many things about God, about myself, about relationships that I would not have learned and discovered in my singleness. It's such a blessing to grow more into Christ's image and in holiness. I still fall short on many things, yet it's an even greater privilege to serve and love a woman following the example of Christ's love for His Church.

As a final word, always remember that the goal of life is to glorify God and to grow in holiness whatever season you are in. In the event that you get rejected, be secured in the love of God. Remember that He loves you so much and He alone is sufficient to complete you. A partner (a woman) will not complete you. You are complete in Christ.

If you have more questions about courtship and dating (like laying down your intentions), I will be more than glad to share with you the wisdom I learned through experience and godly counsel. Of course, I will also do my best to answer you according to what the Scripture teaches.

Man's chief end is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.

- Westminster Shorter Catechism

Soli deo Gloria!

#courtship #godlyrelationship #dating